Surrender
Out of every crisis comes the chance to be reborn, to reconceive ourselves as individuals, to choose the kind of change that will help us to grow and to fulfill ourselves more completely. Nena O’Neill
God is doing something deep in my heart. It has been shaken to the core, gripped with grief, shattered in pieces. And yet, it still beats. It has been rearranged. It will never look the same. And yet, it still beats. It still hopes.
In the midst of the shuffling of priorities and perspectives that comes with grief, something else is happening. Something beyond just trudging through this muck and mess of pain and missing and gut punches. God is at work. He is loving, kind, patient, gracious, gentle, wise. I don’t know exactly what He’s up to, but I know that whatever it is, it is good.
Today while driving, I listened to a song that broke me the first time I heard it years ago when I had three little boys — I Surrender All by Clay Crosse. I was driving home from a spiritual growth conference, and I popped in this new CD. I was a bit overwhelmed with all the busyness of being a mom to three spirited little boys, and I was lamenting that I just wasn’t “accomplishing” very much.
As I began listening to the words of this song that day, tears started to flow. The chorus says:
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires that all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all
The most important place for me in that season was right there with my little boys. Reading Chandler’s message to me from a few Mother’s Days back confirms it. There are some things in life that maybe I will regret. One thing I was never willing to regret — not being present for my family. This song was part of my journey toward giving up and allowing myself the freedom to embrace every messy moment of those busy days with my sons without angst about what “greater” thing I wasn’t accomplishing.
The Bridge says:
Everything I am, all I’ve done and all I’ve known
Now belongs to you; the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on a sacrificial fire
If all I am is all that you desire
I surrender all
I had no idea that so many years after hearing that song the first time, after having it become an anthem for a season of transformation, that I would listen again, under circumstances I never dreamed I would be able to bear. And again, it would become an anthem for a new season.
Jesus, I don’t know how to open my hands any wider. I surrender everything. You are the one who loves me most, who knows me best, who created me, who is always, ALWAYS, going before me to make a way where there seems like there’s no way. I trust you with my heart. I trust that this good work you are doing in me will continue and that I will look more like you because of it. Amen.
