Today...December 15
Today is the day.
December 15. Three years ago. Everything changed.
Starting with a late-afternoon phone call asking, "Are you Chandler Espinoza's mother?"
So many thoughts and emotions and memories. My mind is pulled toward what happened at Via Honesto and Antonio as Chandler, in his Santa hat, biked to work that brisk December day. That's one of the problems with having a brain like mine that wants to understand everything, to fill in all the blanks. Sometimes knowing and understanding all the details just causes deeper anguish. So today, I am choosing to steer my mind in a different direction. Any way I steer it, I just miss Chandler. Three years ago today, I heard his voice for the last time. “I have to get to work, Mom. I love you.”
Today I am sad. And yet I feel deep joy mingled in with the sadness. Wonderful things are happening. And also…today is awful.
And it is beautiful.
FAMILY...
We welcomed Nora Chandler into the world on October 11. Only a couple of weeks after she was born, Chase said the words every parent hopes they will someday hear -- "Mom, thanks for keeping me." He and Karen are crazy in love with Nora, of course. Even so, those first days and weeks are just plain grueling! When a friend asked me a few days after Chase was born if I just loved being a mom, I replied, "I'll get back to you on that." Like her dad before her, Nora has opinions about a lot of things, and she is quite vocal about them. Plus, she has reflux, so who wouldn't cry about that!? Just about the time we thought she was never gonna earn her keep, she started smiling at us!
We are looking forward to Chance and Lauren's wedding in April. They were absolutely made for each other. It makes my heart smile to see them loving life together.
Charli is home from UCLA for the holidays. We've gone Christmas shopping a couple of times and often hang out at night with the pups watching TV.
Today is Pepper's birthday. Charli and I took her and Blu for a walk around the lake followed by Pepper's first pupaccino from Starbucks. Puppy life now as compared to when we first got them early this year is night and day. They are still a LOT, but now they let me sleep in if I want (and I always want), snuggle with me on the couch while I watch TV, chill during the day (amidst bouts of wrestling, barking, and sprinting around the house), and seem to have stopped eating the drywall and baseboards. I still have to pull various items out of Blu's butt on a regular basis because if it's on the floor or the ground, she will eat it. If we wanted to name them both in accordance with their true natures, we would have called them Roomba and Swiper. A couple of weeks ago, I found little ceramic baby Jesus on the couch. Thankfully, I rescued him before Pepper made a meal of him.
GRATEFUL…..
My family is my heart. To say that I'm grateful for them wouldn't do justice to how I feel. I have so much to be thankful for. As I think back on just one week of my life--the week of Thanksgiving--our family gathered around the table together for dinner; I got to take care of Nora so Chase and Karen could go on a date night; Chance and Lauren came over to hang out; I went Christmas shopping with Charli; and Chip and I caught up on Yellowstone.
It's the simplest things that make my heart happiest. Peppermint latte with my girl. Dinner with my tribe. A smile from Nora. Puppy snuggles on the couch. I'm grateful that these moments are not few and far between.
THE BOOK...
I had no idea three years ago today that in December 2021 I would be preparing to release a book about losing my son. It's been quite a journey of writing and reviewing and editing and reviewing again. It has been different than any other writing I've ever done. Usually, I can plow through and meet deadlines. Not so this time. It has been emotionally heavy. Every time I needed to review the manuscript again, I engaged in avoidant behavior. It has been a labor of intense love and intense pain. I hesitate to employ the over-used analogy, but it has been quite like giving birth.
We had anticipated a much earlier due date, but the process of obtaining rights to use the lyrics to I Like It, I Love It took over six months rather than the stated six weeks. Even this week, we had a hiccup, and I was left unsure if we were going to be able to use the lyrics after all. TODAY I got an email stating there was an oversight and that in fact we would be able to use all the lyrics as I have them in the book. So we are now back on track.
Very soon, I will be announcing a release date for First, Brush Your Teeth--Grief and Hope in Real Time. My hope is that my book can be an encouragement and a source of hope to others experiencing loss.
LOVING LIKE CHANDLER WOULD...
Many people have expressed to me that they have come to realize through Chandler's story that the most important thing is love.
I've been praying about and researching causes that I know Chandler would have been passionate about. When he came home from his trip to India, he said he would like to start a business selling lungis (traditional Indian wraps). He loved his bright orange lungi (it hangs as a tapestry in his room), and he wanted to pair his love for lungis with the love he had for the gracious people he met in India. His desire was to help enrich their lives by providing a means of steady income.
As I've been sitting with that idea, other possibilities have surfaced. For example, there is a non-profit called Uniforms for Hope that provides uniforms for poor students in countries such as Lebanon and Kenya where students must wear uniforms to be able to attend public school. Just this week, the organization received its very first request for help from a school in India!
THIS CHRISTMAS...
Three years ago, the truth that God is WITH us gripped me like never before. It was the life-raft that kept me afloat that Christmas.
How does it feel three years later? It still hurts like hell. I don't know if these anniversaries get any easier. And still.....as we move toward this Christmas, I cling to that same truth. I am more convinced than ever of the goodness, love, grace, and PRESENCE of Christ.
May your family experience the love and presence of Christ this season. See his love right beside you in your spouse, your kids, your pups, your dear friends. See it in the blue expanse above, the carpet of green grass below , the snow-covered peaks, the wind and the rain. Christ is as close as your very breath. This is the truth that matters most. God is with us. And God is love.
