That Is Life
Talking with a friend yesterday, I said, "Part of me wants to jump up and down and be excited that my book is finally coming out this month. But the other part of me feels like — how can I be excited...it's a book that wouldn't exist if I hadn't lost my son." She replied, "That's life, isn't it."
That is life indeed. It is messy. And beautiful. And painful. All at the same time.
Life is an ever-evolving tapestry of all colors and textures, intricately woven together. You can't pull out all the colors and textures you don’t like and just leave the ones that are smooth to the touch and pleasing to the eye. That's just not how this works. Because I've been around for a while, I've had lots of opportunities to learn to accept this reality.
In my younger days, I used to draw neat lines around the positive and negative, the good and the bad, the desirable and the undesirable. When things all leaned toward the positive, the good, and the desirable, that's when life could really be enjoyed. Then somewhere along the way, I discovered that if I waited for everything to be as I perceived it should be to fully enjoy my life, I'd be waiting a long time.
Having kids was a masterclass in learning to embrace the whole darn mess. You are sleep-deprived, zombie-like in your demeanor and cognitive abilities. Your mind may snap if they scream one more time. Then they smile at you. Or fall asleep in your arms. You get excited because they sleep through the night for the first time!!! It’s a monumental occasion! Then they start teething, and it's back to zombie-land.
Fast forward -- after years of serving as unpaid chauffeur, you're off the hook when they get their driver's license. And you realize how much you miss that time in the car with them. Then...they go to college. You are proud and happy for them. And it hurts like hell to let go a little more. Or really…a lot more.
That is life. There is joy. There is pain. There is birth. There is death. There is laughter. There are tears. And it's all together. One expansive, intricate, complex tapestry.
It has been a long, heavy process reliving and reviewing everything over and over since receiving the publishing contract -- a labor of love, emerging from profound pain. So, yes, I am excited to finally see First, Brush Your Teeth in print on January 21. AND, I am ever mindful that it only came into existence because a boy named Chandler whose beautiful presence in my life left me no other choice than to write every single day the year I lost him.
That is life.
