The Thing About Today...
I started out this day enjoying a peanut butter banana smoothie with a dear friend who just found out her son has Type I diabetes. She is strong, resourceful, smart, and full of faith. She has passed that on to her son who is accepting this new normal with grace beyond his years.
There is still pain and fear and grieving for what this mom had hoped would be a relatively uneventful childhood. It’s a steep learning curve for her to figure out carb counts and glucose levels throughout the day and night. And, as she said today, this isn’t an experiment. She has to get it right.
We wholeheartedly agreed that neither of us would have checked the boxes for what has befallen our sons. We also agreed that somehow in God’s wisdom and goodness, He will not waste any of it. Not one tear, not one punch in the gut, not one bit of pain. He will bring about good from what, right now, seems the opposite of good.
We talked about Chandler. This dear friend was with me from the day Chandler was in the accident. Our hearts are connected.
Tonight I went to a college planning meeting at Charli’s high school. I glanced over at the diving board towering over the swimming pool on my way into the gym. I remembered Chandler diving off of that board just a few short years ago for his diving competitions. I recalled the times I’d entered that gym as Chandler’s mom for various events. I tried not to skip forward to May 2020 when I will watch Charli graduate without her brother to cheer for her.
After the college planning meeting at Santa Margarita Catholic High School, I went to a meeting at Dove Canyon Golf Club. This is where a multitude of people gathered on January 13 to honor Chandler and let us know we are not alone. I’m not sure when walking into that place will cease to tap into the deep crevices of longing…of missing and hurting.
Tonight I walked into Chandler’s room to look for something. I glanced up at the pictures of him we’ve hung on his wall. It is too much to comprehend. It is not possible that I won’t see those dimples, that smile, those innocently mischievous eyes again.
The thing about today is that from morning until bedtime, there were constant reminders of Chandler. The reminders are good. I would rather live with them than without them. I think it might be really cool to have at least a few of the reminders without the pain attached to them. I’m pretty sure that’s beyond the scope of possibility.
God, when life gets really real, help me lean into your grace and strength. Be my confidence and my guide. One day at a time. Amen.
