This Is Why I Write

Oh, I miss those dimples. My sweet boy. I miss you so much….so, so much.

For almost six months, I’ve been writing every day. Every single day. Why???

It started reluctantly when my friend encouraged me to post on Caring Bridge to keep people updated about what was happening with Chandler. After Chandler’s memorial service on January 13, I knew I needed to keep writing. It was a lifeline for me. That’s when I moved my updates over to my website and they became blogs.

Why do I keep writing?

I write each day because it helps me process. Sometimes I’m processing painful emotions. Sometimes I’m just recounting the events of a somewhat “normal” day. Always, I am opening my heart and letting it pour out onto the keyboard, and it helps me heal.

I write because when I share my journey honestly, you all surround me with prayer, with support, with love. I can’t do this alone. I need my village.

I write daily because I want to look back at this journey and remember what it was like, day by day. I want to be able to see how it is different in January 2020 from January 2019. I want to remember what it was like to be without Chandler for one day, and then 365 days.

I write each day because that’s what writers do. They write. Chandler wanted to be a writer. At the end of this year of firsts, I want this collection of blogs to be a body of work that Chandler and I did together. A gift to him and to me. A testament to his life…well lived.

I write every day because when I hear from fellow members of this shitty club that it is helping them, my heart is encouraged beyond what I can express in words. I write because when someone tells me I gave words to the pain that they couldn’t express, my heart feels lighter. I write because I believe with all my soul that one of the greatest privileges in life is to comfort others with the same comfort we have been comforted with.

I write because I want everyone to know that we are not alone. We have a God who loves us, who is WITH us, who hurts with us. We have a God who can bring beauty from ashes.

This is why I just keep on writing. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.