Never Another Tear

I was so happy when I drove by Chandler’s bike memorial today and saw several vases and pots of fresh flowers! THANK YOU! It is medicine for my heart to see that Chandler is remembered by the community he loved. That we are not alone.

I dropped by after hot yoga this evening to take a picture and add some water to the vases and pots. As usual, my mind began generating unwanted images — all aimed at filling in blanks. What exactly happened here on December 15? For today, I chose to tell myself, “Let it go.”

It was an extra encouragement to see the new flowers this afternoon because this morning was so tough. And so beautiful at the same time.

At our back-to-school orientation, we had a time of worship together. I was wearing a cherished bracelet that says “Brave” given to me by the amazing lady who lead worship. From the first note of the first song, it was like a faucet was turned on. The tears streamed continuously throughout the entire time of worship. To my right, Stephanie, a rock for me, held my lifted hand. To my left, Dawnell, one of my adventure sisters, put her arm around me. I asked myself why my eyes and my heart were overflowing. Was it a sense of worship toward God? Was it overwhelming gratitude for the support of my friends? Was it the missing…the deep, deep missing of my sweet boy? I decided it was all of the above and that it was all good. I just let it be without trying to further dissect it.

When the singing was finished and they moved on to communion, I had to leave the room. I felt like I was going to lose it again. And I did. My friend Joanne came to find me. All I could say is, “I just miss him so much.” She hugged me and prayed for me.

The only reason there is a finite number of tears I will cry for Chandler is because one day I will cease to exist on this earth. In the next instant, I will see Chandler again….and never cry another tear.