Fresh Flowers and Flashbacks

THANK YOU to the kind people who brought fresh flowers to Chandler’s bike memorial! I’ve seen them when I drive by each day, but today I decided to stop and visit. There were a couple of notes that made my heart happy and achey at the same time. The Happy Birthday note in sidewalk chalk is still there. The constantly appearing reminders that Chandler is remembered, loved, and missed mean so much to me.

As I got out of the car to walk to the bike, I said to myself, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could visit the bike and have my first and primary emotion be joy for Chandler’s life?”

It would be great if my mind didn’t flash back to what happened there at the corner of Via Honesto and Antonio. It would be great if my gut and my heart didn’t ache for all that Chandler went through here but instead I could wrap my mind around the reality that Chandler is not afraid or in pain right now and never will be again…that he is more fully alive and joyful than ever. I’m just not there.

My mind gets stuck right there at that corner, wanting to rewind time so that I could have been there to hold my son as he lay on the asphalt, tell him I love him, ride with him to the hospital, whispering words of comfort the whole way. Hell, if I’m rewinding time, let me rewind even further so that Chandler arrives safely to work at Board & Brew for his Saturday night shift.

There is so much to process. I can only do it a little at a time. Thankfully, that’s all I need to do.

Tonight’s Chandler-ness:
11-29-97 The other day at church in your class, they asked, “What are you thankful for?” You said, “I’m thankful for my Mom that stays home every day all day alone and that we get to pick up my brothers at school.” That made my day.