One...at...a...time.
My heart is so full tonight.
This morning as I got dressed, I chose to wear a beautiful silver bracelet that says “Brave.” My friend gave it to me yesterday. I hugged her and thanked her and said, “I don’t feel brave. I just miss my son.” Every time I put on a bracelet, or necklace, or jacket, or anything that has been gifted to me by people wanting to show their care and support, it is a physical reminder throughout the day of God saying to me, “I see you. I’ve got you.”
Mixing up my spinach smoothie after my shower, I looked outside the kitchen window and saw a bright green lime tree in a pretty blue pot another friend and her husband gave me last night, a reminder that they are praying for us.
Driving to work this morning, I let the words of today’s Pray As You Go devotional wash over me, reminding me where to find the strength I need for whatever comes.
When I got to work, there was a bag in the refrigerator for me from my friend’s daughter with two new kombucha flavors I’d never tried. Let me tell you, Brew Dr.Vanilla Oak is worth a taste.
Later, a sweet mom whose daughter attends our school popped in to my office with the most beautiful orchid you’ve ever seen. It is perfect. Like the heart of compassion this mom has shown for me since the first days of Chandler’s accident. She said, “This is from your mom and from Chandler.”
I’m going to try so hard not to kill it like I do the majority of initially green living things that come under my care. There is a long list of “how to care for” instructions. I didn’t even put that much effort into taking care of my kids! But I’m committed. I’m going to buy orchid fertilizer and only water twice a week by soaking, not sprinkling. If this orchid is still alive by summer, it will be a sign to the world that miracles do happen.
Before leaving work, another mom dropped by with flowers, a thoughtful card, and homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I may have eaten one, two, or three before I left the office.
As if my cup of gratitude weren’t already full to overflowing, tonight I went to Board & Brew for The Chandler Tap Annihilation – Chandler’s favorite brewery, Noble Ale Works, taking over the taps. Brendan did an amazing job making it all happen, as usual. Tricia welcomed me with a 4-pack of Flying Ember, a new hard kombucha brand I’ve been wanting to try.
Every time I’m at Board & Brew, people I’ve never met tell me how much they love Chandler and what a thoughtful young man he was. He remembered everyone’s name, their drink, and their food order.
I feel Chandler when I’m at Board & Brew. His friends, co-workers, the regulars – we all miss him together. We hug. We laugh. We share Chandler stories. Sometimes there are tears. Like when Alex Brown, a singer-songwriter B&B regular, gave me a CD of songs inspired by Chandler and another young man, Carlos, who died recently. The picture of Chandler on the cover was one I’d never seen. How could it be that this handsome, sweet young man isn’t here tonight, enjoying the people he loved so much?! How do I live with the reality that I will never touch that face again?! How do I get through the next days knowing he’s not going to wish me Happy Mother’s Day?!
I will get through this. I will be OK. One moment at a time. One prayer at a time. One hug at a time. One “I’m here for you” at a time.
One…at…a….time.
