Beautiful, Painful, Soulful Day

I did not grow up appreciating or even being aware of the value of silence. Reflection was just something I saw in the mirror. I have always been on the go, a do-er. That has served me well in so many ways. But it has often caused me to move through life from force of momentum rather than from a place of centeredness.

Today I did some things to feed my soul, to bring me back to center.

One of those things was hot yoga. Sweatstar (formerly Sumits) has been a healing place these past weeks, especially when my dear friend Heidi is leading our practice. More than once, at the end of the hour, I lay on my mat with tears streaming, allowing my emotions to drip onto my mat along with the salt of my sweat. I know we are all in this space with our stuff — our anger, our hurt, our grief, our strength, our weakness. We bring it all, and we allow the hour to be exactly what we need it to be. For me, it is prayer. Every movement is my offering up of everything to the God who is with me.

Another heaping portion of soul nourishment today was my trip to the beach. I sat on Newport Pier overlooking the waves with my journal and my 12-step workbook. I think every human being would do well to work the 12 steps at some point in their life. Working the first three steps is the foundation of a healthy spiritual life: I am powerless; there is a powerful God who can restore and heal me; I choose to surrender my will and my life to God. The steps after that are a practical, day-to-day working out of what it looks like to relinquish the position of God and trust that the real one can help me live a healthy, balanced, generous, joyful life.

It’s been a beautiful day. Still lots of Chandler thoughts, Chandler tears, Chandler memories, Chandler aches. That’s just how this goes. Beauty mixed with pain.

Tomorrow I’ll unpack a little more about my journey to find the power of silent spaces.