Hiking with Chandler Today!

This morning I went for a hike with Chandler. I wore one of his go-to sweatshirts for hiking and working out, and he was right there with me taking in the beautiful view from the Top of the World hike in Laguna Beach. This was exactly the kind of morning Chandler would have enjoyed before going in to work at Board & Brew in the afternoon.

I have always love being out in nature. But today I appreciated it even more deeply. I knew that I was sharing one of Chandler's greatest passions. That kid was never one to sit on the couch and play video games, and when he watched TV, it was usually something educational, sports-related, or artistic in nature. He MUCH preferred to be outside moving his body in nature.

Just three more days until Chandler's memorial service. I'm not going to lie...I'm scared. We are all rallying toward this event to honor Chandler -- a natural point of closure for many. But I don't want closure. I want my son back.

So what happens on Monday? Everyone goes about their normal lives, and I try to figure out how the hell to live my life without Chandler in it. I am a mother of four. Not three.