Maybe Not So Christmas-y

I’ve been pondering what may possibly be the least Christmas-y topic.

Death.

Not in a morbid or morose way. More from a philosophical viewpoint. Although, I’m sure at this point in my processing, the philosophical and the pragmatic are inextricably linked. Because of the mental, spiritual, emotional complexities of losing Chandler, I had an epiphany a couple of days ago.

Death is not an anomaly.

Other than birth, it is the one experience every human being who has ever existed will experience. We all have this in common. So why does it seem so surprising, so out-of-place when it happens?

Well, for one thing, if it’s a child dying before his or her parent…it just doesn’t follow the proper order. If it’s a young mom dying of brain cancer, leaving her kids to grow up without her, it feels premature and unjust. If it’s a marathon runner who has every health advantage imaginable, it doesn’t add up. The circumstances and the timing and the manner and so many other details surrounding this universal experience of death cause many of us to wrestle with it, to question our faith, to pound the ground and scream in anger.

I’m trying to wrap my mind around the fact that either before me or after me, Chandler would have died. So what I most disagree with is the timing. Too young. And before his parents. That’s something I’ll have to take up with the Lord someday. Or, more than likely, once I get there, it will become a completely moot point.

I’m not attempting to simplify, minimize, or deny the absolute shittiness of losing my son. I’m just beginning to realize that learning to accept death as a universal, natural part of life – as much a part of life as birth -- has the potential to transform the way I live the rest of my days. I’m not sure what that looks like. But I’m a willing student.

Honestly, I don’t like the idea of death, certainly for people I care about, and also for myself. I love my life. I don’t want to think of it ever ending…of someday leaving my family and friends. Of no longer being able to explore this beautiful world and pursue new goals and do meaningful work.

However, I do have the promise of a life after this one that is beyond anything I could imagine. And…

I will see Chandler.

Today’s Chandler-ness:
6/3/98 – You asked,“What kind of Cindy is that?” Translated – What’s her last name? Or what does she look like? Or which Cindy is that?