Surgery Tomorrow - Pre-Game Blog

Today I begin my active treatment for breast cancer. Here on day 6 of my 40-ish Days of Being Human endeavor, I am feeling quite human. Quite vulnerable. Quite dependent.

I am also feeling very, very grateful.

I am deeply grateful for the 3D mammography and ultrasound technologies that were not around years ago -- yielding much clearer images of breast tissue that, for me, has forever been characterized as "dense.” I am profoundly grateful for Dr. Samantha Kubaska and Dr. Angelique Floerke who spotted the tiny, less-than-7 mm, white dot on a mammogram amidst a kaleidoscope of snowy patterns. Against a black background of normal fatty breast tissue, suspicious architecture like a miniscule tumor stands out like a sore thumb. Why can’t I have fatty boobs? Thank you, doctors, for your eagle-eye examination of my wintery wonderland films.

I am grateful for the medical advances that make it possible to track any potential stray cancer cells through a procedure called sentinel node biopsy. Today I get to have radioactive dye injected into my breast (I won't say exactly where for the sake of those who get queasy). I will say that my prep will involve lidocaine, saran wrap, and a Xanax. Tomorrow the surgeon will see the first few nodes in that pathway using a gamma detector (I may glow in the dark tonight after my radioactive injection -- could be fun to watch!). Those nodes will be checked for any possible cancer cells. This is a potentially life-saving procedure which, again, was not around until after 1991.

I am grateful for the wire placement in the morning that will guide the breast surgeon to the specific areas that will need to be removed.

I am grateful for the hands of Dr. Amy Bremner, a skilled breast surgeon, who tomorrow will remove the cancer from my left breast and the radial scarring from my right. Oh, by the way, I decided instead of double mastectomy with reconstruction to do lumpectomy with radiation instead. After thinking and praying and discussing with people in the know, I decided that given my particular situation, mastectomy would be like killing a fly with a sledgehammer instead of a rolled-up newspaper. There is no absolute right or wrong here. You just have to do what feels right for you, and I can say this decision feels like a fit.

I am grateful for the radiologist, Dr. Chan, who will work with her team to create a 3D image of my breast so that the upcoming radiation sessions will target the exact areas necessary to clean up any leftover vestiges of cancer.

I am grateful for the hormone blocker that I will likely have to take in order to starve any cancer cells in my body of the estrogen and progesterone they like to feast on in order to grow.

OK, so now let's get down to brass tacks. I do NOT want needles inserted into my breasts today or tomorrow...or EVER!!! I do NOT want wires to be poked into me at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow and then bandaged down, awaiting with me my 12:30 surgery. I do NOT want to take hormone blockers. I won't even get into the potential side effects. I just hope I don't experience the worst of them. I do NOT want to have my left breast irradiated. I do NOT want to do any of this. I WANT to go back to a pre-cancer diagnosis when I didn't have to think about all of this and make these weighty decisions.

Today I choose to accept what is, not what if or what I wish could be. God meets me in THIS moment. He is enough. The people who love me are enough. The only moment any of us have is this one. Every moment thereafter makes up this hour and this day and this week. But they all start with moments. The best we can do is take it a moment, a day, a week at a time and choose to live fully right here and now.

By living fully, I don't mean jumping out of planes or climbing Mt. Everest, though those may be part of your plan. I mean snuggling with your significant other before work. Or taking your dogs for an unhurried walk to enjoy the sunshine. Or making chocolate chip cookies and licking the bowl. Do what feeds your soul. And whatever it is you are doing, BE there.

So, you wanna know what I'm most upset about right now? I just read that you can't have nail polish on for surgery. WT*? I went to all the trouble to clip and file and paint my gross toenails and fingernails last night. I fired off an email to my surgeon and am awaiting an answer. I'm sure she's thinking -- "She's undergoing breast surgery tomorrow, and she's in a tizzy about her nail polish?" To that, I would respond--PRIORITIES.