Not Adding Up

One of the odd things I’ve discovered about grief is that sometimes it hits you in the head, sometimes in the gut, and sometimes both at the same time. Today it hit me in the head.

I pulled up to work trying to wrap my mind around the idea that Chandler is gone. On an intellectual level, it doesn’t compute. He was here six and a half months ago. How could he just not be here? It sounds crazy to have these thoughts, but that’s what goes through my mind sometimes. It’s like you’re all of a sudden faced with a math problem — 2+4 = 5 — and your brain knows it’s wrong.

This afternoon I was talking with a friend in my office and, once again, it didn’t compute. Seven months ago when Joanne and I chatted in my office, Chandler was alive. During the course of my eight years in that office, he popped in at various times with pretty much every hair style you can imagine. It doesn’t make sense that he won’t be coming in again sporting yet another style that only Chandler could pull off.

My friend did something that meant a lot to me today. She told me that she looked on Chandler’s Facebook page after my post the other night just to get to know more about who he was. She said she couldn’t imagine as a mom stumbling upon those pictures and posts and how even though it’s good to see them, it also hurts a lot. I appreciated that she didn’t refrain from bringing up Chandler for fear of reminding me of the pain.

NEWSFLASH: If you know someone who has lost a loved one, there’s no such thing as a reminder of the pain. It’s front and center…always. The best you can do is what my friend did today, acknowledge the reality of the pain and talk about their loved one. If they cry, it means they needed to cry. Not that you did something wrong or need to apologize.

Tonight my mind doesn’t seem to be focused on solving the problem that doesn’t compute. It’s more focused on the dirty dishes in the sink and the clothes in the washer. They make sense.

Tonight’s Chandler-ness:
11-30-03 You mixed up the spelling of prey and pray. I explained the difference. You replied, “Oh, well, I guess that would mean I was eating God. That wouldn’t be very holy.”