Flashback

Mary Ellen arrived today…so good to have her and Bob here! Chip and Bob are playing in a golf tournament together, so Mary Ellen and I get to play whatever we want for the next couple of days.

We have known Bob and Mary Ellen for about 35 years. There may have been mullets and perms involved when we first met as youth pastors taking our youth groups to camp.

Tonight we went to a dinner that was part of the golf tournament. It was in the same banquet space where Chandler’s memorial was held. Bob officiated the memorial.

It felt surreal.

I looked up at the pull-down video screen and remembered that the last time I saw that screen, it held images of Chandler — skating, biking, dancing, grinning, golfing. I remembered the room overflowing with friends and family and people we didn’t even know who loved Chandler. I remembered the feelings. This cannot be my son’s memorial service…this cannot be real…how am I going to get through this day?

It’s like you always knew that 2+4=6. Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, someone tells you that 2+4=5. It’s not right. It doesn’t add up. It does not make sense. And yet you have to keep living each day with this new equation that doesn’t equate.

I don’t know how I will ever adopt this new irrational equation. Maybe it’s a function of time. Or maybe 2+4 will never equal 5.

In this moment, I just know I’m grateful to have such dear friends sleeping right down the hall. With Chandler’s lungi.